Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Rise I Will

I am trying not to think in retrospect. I am trying to let go of moments passed by as I cannot turn back time and choose differently. I am trying to convince myself of what I have been saying for years: It is possible to live a life without regret if we simply make the best decisions we can with the knowledge we have at the time.

photo by Min Kim
There were moments I could have done so differently. My ability to see and choose wisely were clouded by other things not within my control that if I explained would only sound like excuses. Ultimately none of that matters. I frankly did not seize the opportunities. A champion would have not wasted the chances no matter the circumstances. But I am not a champion. Yet.

And so I am telling myself to let go of what could have been so that I may let in the knowledge I need to become the fighter I will be. I am squeezing out the tears that get stuck below my "always be positive for the public" face and allowing myself to feel the kind of pain only heartache can deliver. Because letting go and ignoring are two different things. And though I have tried I know that all I think and feel and believe whether right or wrong cannot nor will not be ignored. They must be allowed to preach and holler and wail their disappointments as they leave my body.

And I am grateful. I am grateful when that wretched feeling of loneliness fills me because then I know I have hit the bottom. And though I will linger in emptiness there a moment I have lived enough now to understand that the moment will pass. And from the bottom there is only one direction to go. Up. And I will rise. Rise I will to be greater than I was.

And I tell myself again what I have told myself so many times before, After today there is always tomorrow and with tomorrow there is always new hope.

And then without sleep the morning comes and the blinds glow from the promising brightness of the rising sun.

1 comment:

  1. Kaiyana, you are not a lone in your journey. Let your friends support you in this journey you take. Use their energy as well as your own. You seem to put so much pressure on yourself. So, few people would be attempting at 39 what you are doing. It takes strength and courage to what you are doing. Look at 48 years old Bernard Hopkins new light-heavy weight champion. He isn't letting others to decided what he can or cannot do. Staying healthy and being a smart fighter. This is what you are doing! I believe you can be a champion at 105 or 115... Bring your standup striking/kicking/transitioning to ground game BJJ/wrestling. You have strength at 115 but are you stronger at 105. Those areas where you feel you need to improve...look at those who are the best in those areas...body type comes into play also...what one body type does the best may not be the best for you... look at someone who is your body type that is strong in the area you want to improve. Be cerebral about this approach"Left Brain stuff". In Fights this is the time for "Right Brain" ... I now you have that also...There you will see all you need and make the right decisions to victory. Always Believe...Your buddy Charles